were doing something on a far deeper level than that—we were helping people through their toughest days, sharing their greatest joys. And then I saw her. Alice.
In an instant, I pieced together the events that must have led up to Anna’s outburst. They must have been side stage with each other and got talking. Dumb, idiot fangirl. I could have throttled her and her loose tongue. I had no chance of getting out of here before the allotted time, it wouldn’t have been fair on the others either, so I did the most spiteful thing I could think of without causing a scene. I hugged her in the standard way we hugged all fans, shoulders forward, ass back, and released her quickly. I thanked her for coming to the show and then moved on to the next person before she had the opportunity to speak. I basically treated her like we’d never met before, and shit, did I now wish that was true. I was swallowed up by a sea of fans so she couldn’t even get close and then finally, finally, they all got ushered out of the room. Alice hung back and was one of the last to leave, but I ignored her, beyond furious.
As soon as they’d gone, I whipped the cell from my pocket and called Anna again as I ran to the exit doors out the back. This time, she picked up.
“Where are you? I’m coming out to the parking lot,” I told her earnestly.
She sighed. “Don’t. I’ll come back in. I’m not your girlfriend, you don’t belong to me I just—I just want to hear what you’ve got to say. I want you to make me feel better than I do right now.”
I leaned against the wall, relieved. “I’ll try. Let’s talk about it. I’ll wait in my room.” She hung up without a goodbye and I pulled on my hair, wanting really to punch myself in the face. How on earth was I going to get out of this one? She knew the story and I wasn’t going to lie to her about it. I thought back to Jon’s lecture and how much I agreed with it—this would end in tears, he’d said. It would never work out, and I knew he was right, but I had been banking on a bit more time with her first. I wanted it, I needed it, and I thought that I’d get her out of my system before it all broke down. She was not out of my system yet, by a long shot. And I didn’t want it to end like this. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
I paced my dressing room, turning the main light off and leaving the room only to be illuminated by the actor bulbs around the mirror. It gave a warmer feel, less glaring. I sort of wanted a little darkness to hide my face. I didn’t know what tack I was going to take. Anna was right, she wasn’t my girlfriend and had no exclusivity rights to me, but I didn’t want to come across as defensive. That would take me out of the running for anything to happen in the future and Jon’s words came to me again. I had to try to remember that I couldn’t put myself through any more. I was only just getting my shit back together.
I heard the click of the door opening and watched her slink inside. She looked beautiful, a broken butterfly. I couldn’t tell if she’d been crying, but her shoulders were hunched forward and her head low. She was like the Anna I’d known when I’d first met Becky, and I hated myself for taking her spark away.
“I don’t know what to say, Anna. I want to try to make things better, but the fact of the matter is, I did sleep with that girl.” So that was my tack. I surprised myself by opting for the brutal truth. Once I’d started, I figured I may as well give her both barrels. A true test. If she saw who I really was—who Nate Sullivan really was—and could deal with it, then perhaps I could allow myself some new hope.
“I’m a horrible person. I’m angry at the entire world and I don’t know why. I sometimes hate people who are closest to me. I hate myself. I haven’t got the faintest idea who I am or what I want, and every time something good happens, I purposely sabotage it so that it
In an instant, I pieced together the events that must have led up to Anna’s outburst. They must have been side stage with each other and got talking. Dumb, idiot fangirl. I could have throttled her and her loose tongue. I had no chance of getting out of here before the allotted time, it wouldn’t have been fair on the others either, so I did the most spiteful thing I could think of without causing a scene. I hugged her in the standard way we hugged all fans, shoulders forward, ass back, and released her quickly. I thanked her for coming to the show and then moved on to the next person before she had the opportunity to speak. I basically treated her like we’d never met before, and shit, did I now wish that was true. I was swallowed up by a sea of fans so she couldn’t even get close and then finally, finally, they all got ushered out of the room. Alice hung back and was one of the last to leave, but I ignored her, beyond furious.
As soon as they’d gone, I whipped the cell from my pocket and called Anna again as I ran to the exit doors out the back. This time, she picked up.
“Where are you? I’m coming out to the parking lot,” I told her earnestly.
She sighed. “Don’t. I’ll come back in. I’m not your girlfriend, you don’t belong to me I just—I just want to hear what you’ve got to say. I want you to make me feel better than I do right now.”
I leaned against the wall, relieved. “I’ll try. Let’s talk about it. I’ll wait in my room.” She hung up without a goodbye and I pulled on my hair, wanting really to punch myself in the face. How on earth was I going to get out of this one? She knew the story and I wasn’t going to lie to her about it. I thought back to Jon’s lecture and how much I agreed with it—this would end in tears, he’d said. It would never work out, and I knew he was right, but I had been banking on a bit more time with her first. I wanted it, I needed it, and I thought that I’d get her out of my system before it all broke down. She was not out of my system yet, by a long shot. And I didn’t want it to end like this. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
I paced my dressing room, turning the main light off and leaving the room only to be illuminated by the actor bulbs around the mirror. It gave a warmer feel, less glaring. I sort of wanted a little darkness to hide my face. I didn’t know what tack I was going to take. Anna was right, she wasn’t my girlfriend and had no exclusivity rights to me, but I didn’t want to come across as defensive. That would take me out of the running for anything to happen in the future and Jon’s words came to me again. I had to try to remember that I couldn’t put myself through any more. I was only just getting my shit back together.
I heard the click of the door opening and watched her slink inside. She looked beautiful, a broken butterfly. I couldn’t tell if she’d been crying, but her shoulders were hunched forward and her head low. She was like the Anna I’d known when I’d first met Becky, and I hated myself for taking her spark away.
“I don’t know what to say, Anna. I want to try to make things better, but the fact of the matter is, I did sleep with that girl.” So that was my tack. I surprised myself by opting for the brutal truth. Once I’d started, I figured I may as well give her both barrels. A true test. If she saw who I really was—who Nate Sullivan really was—and could deal with it, then perhaps I could allow myself some new hope.
“I’m a horrible person. I’m angry at the entire world and I don’t know why. I sometimes hate people who are closest to me. I hate myself. I haven’t got the faintest idea who I am or what I want, and every time something good happens, I purposely sabotage it so that it
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