08bis Visions of Sugar Plums by Janet Evanovich Page B

her again."
    "Sissy boy?" Diesel asked.
    "It's complicated," I said.
    "Omigod," my mother said when she saw us. "What happened? You're filthy."
    "It's nothing," I said. "A building fell down on us, and we didn't have time to change."
    "A couple years ago I would have thought that was unusual," my mother said.
    "You've gotta help me," Grandma said. "My studmuffin is coming to dinner, and I still haven't got my teeth."
    "We've looked everywhere," my mother said. "We even looked through the garbage."
    "Someone stole them," Grandma said. "I bet a good set of teeth would bring a pretty penny on the black market."
    There was a knock at the door, and Morelli let himself in.
    "Just the person I want to see," Grandma said. "I want to report a crime. Someone stole my teeth."
    Morelli looked over at me. The first look said, help.
    And the second look said what the hell happened to you?
    "A ceiling sort of fell in on us," I told Morelli. "But we're fine."
    A muscle worked in Morelli's jaw. He was trying to stay calm.
    "Where were your teeth when you saw them last?" I asked Grandma.
    "In a glass, getting cleaned."
    "Did you lose just the teeth? Or is the glass gone, too?"
    "The lousy rotten robber took everything, glass and all."
    Mary Alice and Angie were in front of the television.
    "Hey," I said to them. "Either of you see Grandma's teeth? They were in a glass in the kitchen and now they're missing."
    "I thought Grammy was throwing them away, so I took them for Charlotte," Mary Alice said.
    Charlotte is a big lavender dinosaur that lives in Grandma's bedroom. Grandma won Charlotte at the Point Pleasant boardwalk two years ago. Grandma put four quarters down on number thirty-one, red. The guy spun the game wheel. And Grandma won Charlotte. Charlotte had originally been intended for Mary Alice, but Grandma got attached to Charlotte and kept her.
    Some of the stuffing has shifted in Charlotte's big dino body, so she has lumpy spots now... kind of like Grandma.
    Mary Alice ran upstairs and retrieved Charlotte. And sure enough, the teeth were nicely set into Charlotte's gaping mouth.
    "Charlotte's teeth had lost their stuffing," Mary Alice said. "And Charlotte was having trouble eating, so I gave her Grandma's teeth."
    "Isn't that something," Grandma said. "I never noticed."
    We all look more closely at the teeth. They were decorated with flowers and tiny rainbows and colorful stars.
    "I made the teeth more pretty with my markers," Mary Alice said. "I used the waterproof ones so they wouldn't wash off."
    "That's nice, honey," Grandma said, "but I need my choppers on account of I've got a hot date tonight. I'll get Charlotte some teeth of her own."
    Grandma took the teeth from Charlotte and put them into her mouth. Grandma smiled, and we all tried to stifle ourselves. Except for my father.
    "Holy crap," my father said, staring transfixed at Grandma's decorated teeth.
    The phone rang and Grandma ran to answer it. "It was my studmuffin," Grandma said when she hung up. "He said he had a hard day, and he needs to take a nap and recharge his battery. So we're going to meet up at Stiva's after dinner. There's going to be a special Christmas Eve viewing for Betty Schlimmer."
    We always had baked ham for Christmas. The ham was hot on Christmas Eve, and for Christmas Day my mom would set out a big buffet with cold sliced ham and macaroni and about a billion other dishes.
    Kloughn arrived just as we were sitting down to the table. "Am I late?" he asked. "I hope I'm not late. I tried not to be late, but there was an accident on Hamilton Avenue. A really good one. Legitimate neck injuries and everything. I think they might hire me." He kissed Valerie on the cheek and blushed bright red. "Are you okay?" he asked. "Did you throw up a lot today? Are you feeling any better? Boy, I sure wish you'd feel better."
    Grandma passed Kloughn the mashed potatoes. "I hear those neck injuries can be worth a lot of money," Grandma said.
    Kloughn looked at Grandma's