that not saying anything is going to keep you safe.” He reached
into his pocket and pulled out the paper butt end of a joint. “I know exactly
what you’ve been doing up here.”
My stare was
transfixed on the object in his hand, wondering how I’d been so unthinking as
to leave evidence like that behind.
“Smoking? In
a hayloft?” his voice thundered at me. “You do have enough brains in that head
of yours to realize you could’ve burned the whole place, with all the livestock
inside of it, to the ground, don’t you?”
Again I
didn’t reply. He was angry with me and rightly so. I’d been careless and
stupid, even if it wasn’t intentional.
“Don’t you
have anything to say?” he demanded.
I shook my
head. “Nothing that’ll improve the situation.”
He grunted
in disbelief and walked a couple steps away from me before swinging around.
“How about I’m sorry? Did that ever cross through your thick skull?”
“Would you
believe me if I said it?” I snapped back at him. “Because as far as I can
tell, everyone in this whole damn place has already passed judgment on me and
the kind of person I am!”
“That’s
because you never give anyone a chance to believe otherwise!” he hollered.
“You’re a complete disgrace to the memory of your father!”
His words
slammed into me so hard I physically staggered backward, but if he noticed he
didn’t care, continuing on.
“I think he
would cringe in horror if he could see the person you are now. You’ve turned
into the one thing he always tried to prevent, an unimpressive kid with no
sense of direction in his life. Why do you think he always pushed you so hard
in school and sports? He wanted you to succeed—to make something of yourself!
Instead you’ve taken his memory and used it to become a drug addict and an
abuser of yourself and the people around you. I can’t work with a kid who has
no respect for himself or anyone else.”
I was
seething, feeling the rage build inside me so hotly all I could see was red.
“You don’t know anything about me,” I spat out.
“Is that
so? Then if you’re so wonderful, why don’t you explain to me why you beat the
crap out of a guy who is going places in the middle of the parking lot at
school? Feeling a little jealous of him already, are you?”
Fury welled,
coursing through my body. “You might want to get your golden boy facts
straight before you start accusing me of anything, because if that bastard ever
messes with me again, I’ll give him worse than he got this time.”
“No. You
listen to me. If you don’t start following my rules right this minute, then
you’re going to be looking for a new place to live. And that means no more
fighting, smoking, or drinking! Do you hear me, kid?”
“I’m not
your kid. Let me save you the trouble of kicking me out.” I pushed past him,
and practically slid down the ladder in my hurry to get out of there. I
stormed off to the house.
I ran into
my bedroom and started throwing my things into a duffle bag. I glanced around
one last time, and my eyes landed on the vase on my nightstand. I grabbed it
too, heading out to my truck.
Grandpa
stood with his hands on his hips in the entrance of the barn. “Where do you
think you’re going to go?”
“Anywhere
that isn’t here will be fine,” I shouted at him. I tossed the bag into the rear
seat of the truck. “Be sure to tell my mom I love her when you fill her in on
what a horrible kid I am.”
I climbed
inside placing the fish carefully in between my legs to keep it steady and I left,
pressing past the desire to peel out of the driveway like a madman. I felt
like Grandpa’s stare was burning a hole into the back of my head until I was
finally out of view.
The words he
said to me reverberated off my chest, repeating over and over as my heart
bled. “You’re a complete disgrace to the memory of your father.” They
hammered into me,
into his pocket and pulled out the paper butt end of a joint. “I know exactly
what you’ve been doing up here.”
My stare was
transfixed on the object in his hand, wondering how I’d been so unthinking as
to leave evidence like that behind.
“Smoking? In
a hayloft?” his voice thundered at me. “You do have enough brains in that head
of yours to realize you could’ve burned the whole place, with all the livestock
inside of it, to the ground, don’t you?”
Again I
didn’t reply. He was angry with me and rightly so. I’d been careless and
stupid, even if it wasn’t intentional.
“Don’t you
have anything to say?” he demanded.
I shook my
head. “Nothing that’ll improve the situation.”
He grunted
in disbelief and walked a couple steps away from me before swinging around.
“How about I’m sorry? Did that ever cross through your thick skull?”
“Would you
believe me if I said it?” I snapped back at him. “Because as far as I can
tell, everyone in this whole damn place has already passed judgment on me and
the kind of person I am!”
“That’s
because you never give anyone a chance to believe otherwise!” he hollered.
“You’re a complete disgrace to the memory of your father!”
His words
slammed into me so hard I physically staggered backward, but if he noticed he
didn’t care, continuing on.
“I think he
would cringe in horror if he could see the person you are now. You’ve turned
into the one thing he always tried to prevent, an unimpressive kid with no
sense of direction in his life. Why do you think he always pushed you so hard
in school and sports? He wanted you to succeed—to make something of yourself!
Instead you’ve taken his memory and used it to become a drug addict and an
abuser of yourself and the people around you. I can’t work with a kid who has
no respect for himself or anyone else.”
I was
seething, feeling the rage build inside me so hotly all I could see was red.
“You don’t know anything about me,” I spat out.
“Is that
so? Then if you’re so wonderful, why don’t you explain to me why you beat the
crap out of a guy who is going places in the middle of the parking lot at
school? Feeling a little jealous of him already, are you?”
Fury welled,
coursing through my body. “You might want to get your golden boy facts
straight before you start accusing me of anything, because if that bastard ever
messes with me again, I’ll give him worse than he got this time.”
“No. You
listen to me. If you don’t start following my rules right this minute, then
you’re going to be looking for a new place to live. And that means no more
fighting, smoking, or drinking! Do you hear me, kid?”
“I’m not
your kid. Let me save you the trouble of kicking me out.” I pushed past him,
and practically slid down the ladder in my hurry to get out of there. I
stormed off to the house.
I ran into
my bedroom and started throwing my things into a duffle bag. I glanced around
one last time, and my eyes landed on the vase on my nightstand. I grabbed it
too, heading out to my truck.
Grandpa
stood with his hands on his hips in the entrance of the barn. “Where do you
think you’re going to go?”
“Anywhere
that isn’t here will be fine,” I shouted at him. I tossed the bag into the rear
seat of the truck. “Be sure to tell my mom I love her when you fill her in on
what a horrible kid I am.”
I climbed
inside placing the fish carefully in between my legs to keep it steady and I left,
pressing past the desire to peel out of the driveway like a madman. I felt
like Grandpa’s stare was burning a hole into the back of my head until I was
finally out of view.
The words he
said to me reverberated off my chest, repeating over and over as my heart
bled. “You’re a complete disgrace to the memory of your father.” They
hammered into me,
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